Opening up about my finances isn’t easy. In fact, it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But part of healing is being honest — with myself and, eventually, with others. For now, I’m choosing to stay anonymous as I peel back the layers of my story, but this is my truth.
💳 My Spending Spiral: How I Got Here
For years, I lived beyond my means. I wanted to keep up — with friends, with lifestyle trends, with experiences. I justified spending on things I thought would bring happiness, but what I was really doing was avoiding the deeper discomforts I didn’t want to face.
Honestly looking back, I don’t even have much to show for all the spending that accumulated over the years.
🎰 My Secret Gambling Problem
What most people didn’t know was that behind the scenes, I was quietly battling a gambling addiction. It started off small — a few bets here and there — but it quickly escalated into chasing losses instead of wins. At first, I got hooked on the perks: comped hotel stays, free trips, gifts, and play credits. It felt like I was living a glamorous, upgraded lifestyle.
But that illusion didn’t last. Behind the flashing lights and free cocktails were countless trips to the ATM — and when that wasn’t enough, I turned to cash advances at the cashier’s cage. My friends saw the jackpots, the upgrades, the fun. They didn’t see the growing debt, the lies I told to cover up the losses, or the nights I went home with nothing but regret.
What started as fun casino trips with friends eventually turned into solo visits to local casinos. I started going alone, hiding it, convincing myself it wasn’t that bad. But what truly sent me into a spiral was stumbling upon online gambling. That was the game changer — and the game ender. I no longer had to drive anywhere, no longer feared someone seeing me get cash or playing alone. I could feed money into an app and chase wins and losses from the comfort of my own room. The access was instant. The temptation was constant. And it pulled me in deeper than ever before.
It wasn’t just the money that weighed me down — it was the shame, the secrecy, and the emotional spiral that slowly consumed every part of my well-being.
🚨 A Recent Relapse
I had been proud to say I was gambling-free since October 2024 — a milestone that meant so much to me. But recently, in a moment of stress and vulnerability, I relapsed. It’s not easy to admit, but I promised myself this blog would be about more than just numbers. It’s about the full journey — the healing, the hard truths, and the steps forward.
The relapse hit me with a familiar wave of guilt, shame, and disappointment. But this time, I’m not going to let it pull me under. I’m choosing to face it head-on, to break the cycle, and to learn from it.
Because of this setback, I’ll need to update my total debt — the numbers have changed since I first shared my starting point. It’s frustrating, but I’m committed to transparency and staying accountable. This isn’t a perfect path — it’s a real one. And I’m still walking it.
🧠 Why I’m Choosing Anonymity (For Now)
The shame around debt, addiction, and poor financial decisions runs deep. Right now, I need the freedom to speak openly without fear of judgment or stigma.
Eventually, I hope to unmask this journey. But for now, I’m focusing on progress — not perfection — and healing from the inside out.
🔁 What Comes Next: Rebuilding & Recovery
- Getting support for gambling addiction 🧑⚕️
- Staying on a tight, honest budget 💵
- Tracking my progress publicly (but anonymously) 📊
- Making peace with my past while building a stronger financial future 🌱
🙏 Thank You for Being Here
If you’re reading this, thank you. Whether you’re here because you’re struggling with debt, addiction, or just want to see a real journey unfold — know you’re not alone.
This space is for all of us fighting to do better.
